I finished Are You There Vodka, It’s Me, Chelsea with vim and vigor. Chelsea Handler is, hands down, one of the best comedic writers I know of (other than my brother). Now maybe some of you with, say, CABLE have known her for a while, but I’ve been working with rabbit ears and 5 channels for going on 4 years. I’m just glad I have access to the type of book that would proudly proclaim, “I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, ‘I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.’” I can relate. And frankly, reading that book has gotten me back in touch with my mouthier, more cynical side—the one I didn’t think would be useful for enlightenment of my 30’s. I suppose it also helps that I’m not spending 8 hours a day in front of a bunch of teenagers, guarding my words, and biting my tongue when I really want to say, “Hey, little shitweed, go sit your little ass in that chair, shut the f—k up and read chapter 5.” Not that I would ever say that, but the thought has crossed my mind a few times.
I had to shell out the cash to buy a stupid textbook for my little web design class (I think I keep calling it “little” since it’s probably going to do “little” for me and my “little” career search). I was a “little” disturbed when I learned that the class is dedicated to Dreamweaver and Macs. I DON’T OWN A MAC! I HATE MACS! (And I accidentally muttered this, “I hate Macs” when the prof set us off onto a tutorial of Dreamweaver. I kept closing out the pages, in efforts of trying to enlarge. Who knew they didn’t enlarge? And who in hell doesn’t want their entire screen covered with whatever your focus is supposed to be? I know who! Those of us who should probably consider a current eye exam!). I was even more disturbed when the prof let us out an hour early. For the first time in my life (other than that one time in an alley), I was thinking, “HEY! I PAID FOR THAT HOUR! TEACH ME SOMETHING, MOFO!”
I drove off to my local Barnes and Noble, armed with a 20% off coupon. Of course I wandered around the store, collecting a dozen books that I can’t afford before finding Dreamweaver 8. I dropped all 12 items of my little library collection when I spotted My Horizontal Life: A collection of one night stands, by none other than my new personal guru, Chelsea Handler. Now, I’ve never considered having a serious relationship with a woman, let alone a sexual one, but I’m pretty sure I would marry her if I lived in California.
You Said It